Well another show has come and gone. With this the New York pro was this past weekend.
I placed 12th.
Am I disappointed - yes. Will I get over it - yes. This is part of the sport. Some days the judges like you and other days they don't. When you are competing in a sport that has subjective criteria like this you always have to take the highs with the lows and good with bad. But I will pick myself back up, dust myself off, and try again. There are always more shows around the corner.
When competing you work hard. Really hard. For an extended period of time, and for some, myself included, I would do most of the preparations anyways. The diet, the training - the routine, and the body aches I would probably skip over -- but I am sure you get my point. I am finding year after year the routine is still really hard. And it can be nice to just go out and do a routine and not have to worry about whether or not you 'hit' it perfectly. To just go out there and enjoy. In essence - this would be considered 'coasting'. Am I coasting - probably. I like competing, but it is what I do - but it is also nice to just go to the show and compete without competing. And I think this is what I did in New York. I was there competing, as a participant, but I definitely was not present or a contender on this day. My mind kept wondering all weekend. I would see kids, and just want to be home with my son. I really did not want to be 'in that moment' and it showed. There are times when you want to compete, and this was not a weekend that I wanted to be competing.
I feel like that who weekend I was being complacent in my work ethic, and really just wanted to 'get it all over with'. The statement that I hear many times during the weekend of the show from girls who spend much time getting ready for this moment, and then somehow I was that statement. I am disappointed in myself for thinking this way.
I feel that sometimes I need a low moment to realize how to be 'great' in other moments. It is a balance for me. I do have these times that I want to be 'great' and other times where I just want to be home in my comfy pants, eating chocolate, relaxing and being able to eat whatever whenever I want rather than by a specific point in time. To just 'be'. Just because I compete quite a bit, does not mean I don't truly love a lazy day as well.
Can I just 'be' while getting ready for a show? But it does require more discipline. I also need to be motivated by something else other than placings in order to compete. Like a personal challenge to be the best. I can put my head into any show - however, my heart only goes in certain moments. I tend to be more motivated to do well for myself if my heart is in the moment not just my head.
I find that with my change in career my focus has drifted to that as I get so much more out of my clients and seeing their success than my own. I am on a different path in my choice of profession, and decisions need to be made.
For instance, I need to decide what to do with my job for the following school year - my teaching job - go back, ask for another leave of absence, or quit. My mind may have been on this topic rather than in the task at hand - such as my routine or the weekend competing in NY. My attitude was definitely not myself that weekend. Even considering the idea of 'quitting' just seems to go against who I am as a person. However, my happiness is important, and so is quality of life. I remember days with my teaching job where I had to motivate myself to get out of bed to get to work teaching everyday - and now I don't mind getting up at 4am to train clients. But when you do 'what you love', it never feels like work. Training others does not feel like work.
I loved being in New York but perhaps not at that moment. Those other things that go on around us, even for a moment, can throw us, and make us into people who we are not normally.
So now I have to decide what moment I want to create for myself in the future.
With that being said, Toronto pro is the next IFBB fitness pro show on the horizon. Will I be there - probably, it is already on my radar.